George W Bush's Secret Diary

My wrist watch

2007-06-13T18:59:00.000-04:00

I'd like to re-iterate that my watch absolutely did not get stolen by the good peoples of Albania who love me dearly.
By the way if anybody knows of a good quality second hand wristwatch going cheap I just happen to be in the market for one.

Front LIne Medics In Iraq

2007-05-21T06:00:00.000-04:00

As your commander in chief I am always looking to improve the situation of our brave hero's on the front line. Having recently become most taken with Japanese efficiency (see my last post) I have now ordered that the training for all battlefield medics be taken over by highly skilled Japanese proffessionals.
Medical Team Drops Player - Watch more free videos

Why there is a deficit.

2007-05-09T11:23:00.000-04:00

The reason the economy is down the toilet actually has nothing to do with me at all. Its because the average American worker is lazy and stupid. If they were just a bit more like the Japenese then we wouldn't have a problem.

Why I'll be supporting Hilary in 2008

2007-05-08T11:19:00.000-04:00

Forget about Guiliani and McCain folks. I want you to know that I, George Bush, your president, shall be reaching out across party lines to support Hilary Clinton for president in 2008. For the good of our nation I ask that you, my loyal followers do the same.

Now I know I might have said some nasty things about Hilary in the past so you may be wondering, why the change of heart? Well the way I see it since my daddy became Ronald Reagan's vice president we've had a Bush or a Clinton in the Whitehouse or thereabouts for coming up 28 years now. If Hilary can clinch it in 2008 and hold on for another term people's memories of MY presidency may just have faded enough to give my brother Jeb a chance. By the time he's done HIS eight years we'll be up to 44 years and people will start to feel a precedent has been set and believe there SHOULD be a Bush or a Clinton in the White House. By this time Chelsea and my own girls Jenna and Barbara should be about ready for their turn and at this point we can start talking about a consitutional ammendment to reserve the post of Commander in Chief for the Bush's and the Clinton's on a permanent basis. Once that's in place
we can start thinking about a plan to drop the Clinton's and impose a straight monarchy.

I know some of you republican die hards out there are going to find this a hard choice, but we have to think of the future folks. Come now people do it for Dubya. Hilary Clinton for president 2008

Virginia Killer Sent Warning Video To White House

2007-04-18T19:45:00.000-04:00

Oh boy we gone done it now! Turns out this crazy chink gunmen at Virginia Tech sent a warning video directly to my office 2 weeks ago. Karl Rove just found the thing on his desk. Soon as we put it on we realized we were in trouble. Actually me and Karl did watch the thing together but we were both high on coke at the time so we didn't remember it much the next day. We sure had a good laugh over it but we just thought it was some crazy hoaxter. Didn't think he was actually gonna go ahead and DO IT. Oh shit what the fuck we gonna do now. I let Karl make the decisions he's good at times like this. We cut the tape up into real small pieces and burned them with a cigarette lighter. Karl says just don't say nothing and lie like shit. Oh well its worked enough times before. Holy shit, if this ever comes out . . . . . .

Virginia Tech Shootings

2007-04-16T17:08:00.000-04:00

There was a real old party atmosphere in the Oval office today with the news coming in over the wire about the Virginia shootings. Obviously its always nice to have something to take peoples minds off Iraq for a few weeks and of course we all love to see a little bit of blood spilled but most of all it's just so nice to get the opportunity to look Presidential. I made a statement at 4.00pm and was absolutely delighted with the way it went. I have been practicing my "Somber" look on a daily basis recently and felt that all my hard work is truly begining to pay off. Indeed I actually managed to get through the whole statement without smirking once! Afterwards Laura and Condi both said I looked fabulous and statesmanly.
Karl (Rove) was even more excited about the whole thing than I was and said my ratings should definitely get a 4 or 5 point boost out of this even if it only lasts for a couple of weeks. At the moment we're just trying to decide how to get the most milage out of the whole thing. Karl definitely things a trip to the campus would be a fantastic photo op and we're thinking perhaps personal messages to the victims famillies might play well. Meanwhile some of the boys in the backroom think this might be a great moment to start the war with Iran or maybe give a pre-emptive pardon to my old pal Wolfavits who of course has been having a bit of a hard time lately. Dick and Karl want me to save my pardons for them in case this whole Plume afair isn't over yet.
The only downside to the whole thing is of course it gives all these anti gun nuts a chance to shoot there dumb mouths off about how folks shouldn't have access to high tech weaponry and that whole line of bullshit, still overall definitely a good hair day. 8/10

Why do they still like me?

2007-04-09T15:39:00.001-04:00

Immediately after 9/11 in the wave of blind patriotism which naturally followed (and before folks got wind of the fact that I might actually have been responsible for it) my approval ratings peaked at about 92%. From that time onwards they steadily decreased until, finally about a year ago they leveled out at around 30-40% depending on which opinion pollster you happen to believe. My ratings have remained there or thereabouts ever since. This confused me. It wasn't as if I suddenly started being a better president or anything. So why didn't the ratings continue to go down. Over time I have come to the conclusion that these people would still support me if the Lord Jesus Christ came back to earth and I raped him live on television out on the whitehouse lawn. Yet still I asked myself the question, "can these people really be dumb enough to still think I'm a good president." then I discovered THIS video "What the hell does that have to do with anything." you may well be asking. Well the answer is, not a lot. But the comments left about it on YouTube are highly enlightening. Ignore the ones by people who say they believe the thing. Those people may be foolish, but that kind of retard acid head flower child doesn't vote. It's the people who who felt the need to argue with them that are the true morons. Supposedly rational human beings not only too stupid to understand a joke, but so outraged as to be moved into penning earnest rebukes exposing the "fraud" and pointing out the "holes" in the story. In a flash it is suddenly clear to me. Yes folks, people really are THAT stupid.

Moqtada's Call To Arms Falls On Deaf Ears

2007-04-09T12:50:00.000-04:00

An attempt by radical shiite cleric the Moqtada Al Sadr to organize a mass protest against what he calls the American "invaders" today backfired when less than a couple of dozen iraqi's bothered to show up. When interviewed, Abdul Ahmed, 33, one of the few who was there said
"I came by mistake, I got mixed up with carnival day, we like the Americans." Another said "Before the Americans came here it was boring, nothing much ever happened, now every day brings fresh excitement, we want them to stay." A spokesman for the Moqtada Al Sadr said
"He is too embarrassed to comment, we believe he has gone into hiding 'till this thing blows over."
Note: The above picture appears to show more people than were actually there. This is due to unusual lighting effects.

Senator John McCain on Iraq

2007-04-07T18:24:00.000-04:00

"Iraqi army and police casualties have increased because they are fighting more . . . . . welcome developments"
Washington Post Sunday April 8

A most worthy successor I feel.

So Good To Be A Failure Again

2007-04-07T03:01:00.000-04:00

In addition to keeping this PERSONAL blog I do of course have my bio on the official White House blog over at http://www.whitehouse.gov/president/biography.html Back in October 2003 a fellow called George Johnston had the bright idea of linking to it using the phrase "miserable failure" and encouraging others to do the same. Pretty soon we had the number one google ranking for that phrase and it wasn't long before we got to be number one for the word "failure" as well.

Those were happy days for me. It was the first time in my life I had ever achieved something all on my own without any help whatsoever from daddy. It felt so good to finally be recognized as somebody special in my own right. There I was, the worlds biggest failure, sitting in the big chair at the White House making all the other failures in the world look insignificant and pathetic. It made me feel like SOMEBODY.

Then In January this year Google went and ruined all the fun. They said I didn't deserve to be up there and it was just a "google bomb" and they went and changed their algorithm so I got deprived of my natural place at the top of the failure list.

Let me tell you folks that hurt. Yes it did. People talk about all these silly injuries in Iraq. Just try getting shafted by google like that. That'll teach you about REAL pain. The day it happened I collapsed to the floor in a pathetic heap and screamed for Barbra for over an hour. Since then I have moped around the house, without hope, without the will to live. Then all of a sudden a couple of days ago I get this brainwave, a stroke of genius. What say we put the word "failure" on the front page of the Whitehouse site. Then Google won't be able to say those links are irrelevent any more.

So that's what we did and Voila, I'm right back at the top of the ratings again. Yee Haw.

The Sexiest Politician

2007-04-05T07:07:00.000-04:00

Got a call from my old buddy Osama just to say hello and talk about old times, and before long we were on to our usual debate over who is a bigger hit with the "babes". This time I've decided to settle the matter once and for all, and show Karl Rove and those other creeps a thing or two in the proccess by asking you the people to decide. . . . . . . . . papertrail? Yeah right.Gimme a break

Bad day at the office.

2007-04-05T05:55:00.000-04:00

Another one of those down days I'm afraid. I got the news yesterday afternoon that the Iranians were about to release the British sailors and imediately started to fall into one of my depressions. I am so, so ready to start the next war and this was just SUCH a good moment. Goddam those military comanders for saying we needed to get more troops over there first. I cried for a whole hour last night while Laura, god bless her heart, held me and said "dont worry my little Georgikins you've still got your other war" over and over again. By the end of it I felt a whole lot better. Mom and Dad phoned up with their condolences and said I just had to be patient.

A Ploop Diagram

2007-04-03T19:16:00.001-04:00

Inspired by Ploop I am revisiting my previous post "The fanatical five percent" to cater for those of you who are more visually oriented.

My advice for the next president

2007-04-03T04:16:00.000-04:00

I was recently asked what advice I would give to a future president to help him avoid making the same mistakes as me. After much consideration I have come up with a short list.

1. Always have a plan A. (lack of one of these is was the only thing marring our successful campaign in Iraq).

2. Hire an intelligent double for all public speaking engagements so you don't get caught saying something really stupid.

3. Buy a map, and learn the names of a few countries.

4. Try not to smirk, grin, or make jokes about wars, especially when you started them (which as a U.S. president will invariably be the case).

5. Should there be an earthquake, volcano or god forbid ,a hurricane, anywhere in the United States during your time in office try to make it look as if you care about it.

The Fanatical Five Percent

2007-04-02T02:15:00.000-04:00

While my approval ratings are now down to about 30% according to Zogby the number of people who STRONGLY disapprove of me is still hovering around 46%. Meanwhile the number of folks out there who now believe my administration had some part in organizing the 9/11 is now up to the magic 51% threshold. This means that a staggering 5% of the American public believe we were involved in orchestration of these attacks but DO NOT strongly disapprove. Now since it is very difficult to imagine people MILDLY disapproving of a thing like that, I can only only assume that these good people are actually whole heartedly behind us. "Yeah, they probably did it, but it was necessary for the greater good of America" they might reason perhaps. Love you folks. America just wouldn't be the same without you

Guantanamo Bay - the solution.

2007-03-29T07:03:00.000-04:00

Yesterday while searching for new and unusual animals to torture in my spare time, which as you all know is one of my favorite hobbies, I stumbled into a local pet shop. While in there I became transfixed by a Rhinoceros Iguana who was sharing a very cramped little tank with his lunch, which was a giant grasshopper. The grasshoppers natural instinct was obviously to run away, but this tank was only just about 6 inches longer than the lizard itself, so the grasshopper could never get very far. If the he had thought about it the grasshopper could have tried to stay at the tail end of the tank, but apparently their brains are only very slightly bigger than mine, so this was not an option

So this desperate little grasshopper just kept scampering frantically about the cage while the iguana, who couldn't have been very hungry eyeballed it in a semi interested sort of a way. Eventually he scooped the grass hopper up with his tongue and - heres the good bit - he chewed off ONE leg and let the unhappy grasshopper scuttle off again. Now in a natural setting you would think the lizard would eat the whole meal at once, the grasshopper could still move fairly quickly even with the leg missing and you wouldn't want to have your dinner do a runner before you'd got to the main course now would you. But in that little tank he knew the grasshopper wasn't going anywhere so he just left the rest for later.

Now over at Guantanamo we've got these guys who've been in jail, what 5 or 6 years now and we still can't find any evidence that they've committed any crime, which would be kind of embarrassing if it wasn't so funny. We've tortured them and tortured them and tortured them and they just won't "fess up" to any sort of a crime. Now maybe they are all innocent, but you'd think after all this time they would have had the creativity to think up something to confess to. It's begining to piss me off. What we need to do is stimulate their imaginations.

So what I'm thinking is we get one of these guys and put him in a cell with a polar bear. Not a hungry polar bear you understand, but one who's just eaten a couple of seals or something. Then we take it from there. Surely by the time the bear's eaten an arm or two the guys should have come up with something. What do you reckon folks. Do you think this could work?

Tony Blair's favorite bar.

2007-03-29T06:21:00.000-04:00

Today I received an email from another one of my friends "Evil Tony" over in london

"Dear George,
I have discovered this wonderful new bar. The temperature is kept at a constant -5 degrees and everything including the glasses is made of ice. I simply have to take you there next time you pop over for a visit.
Your humble servant and willing co-conspirator. Your favorite little fluffy bunny poodle.

Tonykins.

Wow. The perfect place for my cold heart. Love it.

My mysterious assistant.

2007-03-28T12:54:00.000-04:00

At some point during your perusal of the last post the thought might well have popped into your head "wait a minute, surely George Bush doesn't have any friends". Well there's Dick and Karl for starters, then there's the Bin Laden familly with whom we've always been very close. There's all my old buddies in the oil industry and of course the many close associates and campaign contributors who have been rewarded with large "reconstruction contracts" in Iraq to name but a few. So you see you're quite wrong about that one.

Of course, if you mean people who actually like me personally and would want to spend enough time with me to transcribe the blog for me then O.K. you've got a fair point, but I've got dozens of paid minions for that sort of thing, so don't worry yourself, the blog will get written.

How the hell do I write this stuff.

2007-03-28T06:28:00.000-04:00

At some point during your perusasal of this blog the thought may well have popped into your head "Wait a minute, surely George Bush doesn't know how to write." As a matter of fact I already knows the whole alphabet and I am practicing my letters as I speak so one of these days I'm going to shove those thoughts right down your neck. In the meantime I get by with the help of a friend who puts my words into writing as I dictate, rest assured everything is in my own words.

Can Al Gore Be Trusted?

2007-03-25T19:25:00.000-04:00

Is Al Gore a hypocrite? Yes. An opportunist? Absolutely. Of course he is. We all are. Our political system is rigged up in such a way that it would be absolutely impossible to rise to the top if you were not. Al Gore was vice president for 8 years during which time he did absolutely Nada for the environment, Jack shit , zilch.

But does that, or the fact that he owns shares in this zinc mine or that petrolium company, invalidate the work he has done since? Does it invalidate the message? Al Gore, the man, does not matter. That which lies deep down within the confines of his soul is of no consequence. Let him sort that out with his god when he dies. A hundred years from now nobody's going to care if Albert Gore was a good man. Eventually it is only the actions of a politician that are of meaning, and right now Al Gore is spreading the truth about the greatest threat our planet has ever known.

Personally I believe that Al Gore is essentially a good man, but a weak man a selfish man and a vain man. Like many liberal politicians he became involved in politics for many of the right reasons, but then as it always does the ego and the thirst for power took over. At every junction on the jagged pathway to the top he took the wrong option the easy option, the sell out option, all the while deceiving himself that it was all for the greater good, if he could only get just a little bit more power that he could redeem himself, atone for his sins.

Had he beaten me in the 2000 election (well he did, but you know what I mean) if he had become president at that time he may perhaps have continued along this spineless path, probably doing the odd piece of good here and there, but generally ducking and dodging the spears and arrows of his own conscience as he strove to consolidate and enhance his own power, in all likely hood improving just a little in the dead duck days of his second presidency ( if he had lasted that long) and would have spent the rest of his days wrestling with the inner demons which told him that he could have done so much more.

But when he lost that election (well he didn’t really, but you know what I mean) a mightily powerful thing happened to Al Gore. In the days and months that followed he came to a terrible realisation. If he had followed his heart, if he had done and said just a little more of what he believed and a little less of what he judged to be politically expedient at the time then a whole lot of those people who went with Ralph Nader and the Green party might have ended up voting for him and all those hanging chads in Florida wouldn’t have mattered.

When I look at Al Gore I see a man who’s had a life changing experience. A man who’s sold his soul to the Devil and got jipped, short changed, geshwisled. It isn’t easy to look at yourself in the mirror and know that if only you had been a better man you would have gotten what you wanted all along. I see a man who’s cursed himself a thousand times and sworn a thousand oaths that he won’t sell out what’s in his heart again. And that is why I believe he would make a good president. Al Gore is a snake, con man and a phoney. Of coarse he is, we all are. But having once paid the price for silencing those inner screams of truth I genuinely believe he is just a little less likely than all those other bleating liberals to do it again.

First they came for Scooter. . . . .

2007-03-24T19:55:00.000-04:00

How this new bunch of clowns made it into congress is beyond me. I was given repeated assurance that we had fixed the election even better the last few and we couldn't lose unless we got less than two percent of the vote. Surely I can't be that unpopular, I mean the inbreds and the mormons make up more than that and i KNOW they all voted for me.

Anyhow this new bunch are really beginning to get to me. First they went after Scooter, who I wasn't really too bothered about being as he's just staff, but now they're coming after Karl. I don't actually like Karl, he's a nasty smelly man, but, I mean Dick Cheney's beginning to go senile Pop's about on his way out, Jesus, who's going to do all my thinking for me when Karl goes?

I told the congress they could speak to my staff as much as they pleased provided no body had to swear under oath and they didn't take any notes on what was said. They came back with some bullshit about why don't they want to go under oath if they don't have anything to hide. I mean how stupid is that? Of course they've got something to fucking hide, if they didn't have anything to hide we wouldn't want to stop them taking notes would we for christs sake, dorr. . . . Idiots.

A pleasant surprise

2007-03-23T22:55:00.000-04:00

Great news on the War Funding bill. I found out from Karl Rove I can do something called veto it and the war doesn't have to end anyway. I don't quite understand how it works but it makes me very happy to know we don't have to stop killing folks. Karl said I did it once before when we wanted to make sure nobody used cell stems to save people dying from parkinsons and alzheimers disieses by I don't have any memory of that. Its got something to do with two thirds which is between a quarter and a half or something like that. I dont' understand all this fancy math stuff about it I let Karl and Dick worry about that sort of stuff, but I'm very happy to tell you folks that this war ain't gonna end just yet.

The Last Days of Glory

2007-03-23T07:23:00.000-04:00

I cried last night. Great gushing streams of tears came pouring out of me. Today shall be a sad day for me and a sad day for America. By the the time night falls congress will have voted on a measure which shall probably signal the begining of the end of the war. All my dreams of an endless war of attrition, continuing in perpetuity in remembrance of me could be shattered. A year on a half from now the last American soldier may have to return to the motherland the violence may draw to a close.

Still, looking on the bright side, we've got an extra $122 billion to spend killing folks and that can buy you an awful lot of bloodshed. Plus the countries so messed up and divided now, the civil war might still drag on for a good few years even without us.

Most importantly for the long term the gushing rivers of blood we have spilt on this pointless war shall live on in the memory long after it is over. Combined with the memories of sexual abuse and torture in Abu Ghraib, kidnapped innocents in Guantanamo and pissed on Korans it should hopefully sow the seeds of radical fundamentalism liberally throughout the isamic world which will ultimately lead to future justification for invading places and taking their oil. The circle of death shall not be broken. . . . . My legacy shall not be in vain!!!!!

There, I feel more cheerful already.

Who would you most like to have sex with
	George W Bush
	Osama Bin Laden
	Dick Cheney
	Karl Rove
	Rudolph Guiliani
	John McCain
	Mitt Romney
	John Edwards
	Barak Obama
	Bill Clinton
	Al Gore
	Hilary Clinton
	Barbra Bush
	Condoleeza Rice
	Nancy Pelosi
	I'd Rather Be Violated With A Rusty Screwdriver

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