Virginia Killer Sent Warning Video To White House

Oh boy we gone done it now! Turns out this crazy chink gunmen at Virginia Tech sent a warning video directly to my office 2 weeks ago. Karl Rove just found the thing on his desk. Soon as we put it on we realized we were in trouble. Actually me and Karl did watch the thing together but we were both high on coke at the time so we didn't remember it much the next day. We sure had a good laugh over it but we just thought it was some crazy hoaxter. Didn't think he was actually gonna go ahead and DO IT. Oh shit what the fuck we gonna do now. I let Karl make the decisions he's good at times like this. We cut the tape up into real small pieces and burned them with a cigarette lighter. Karl says just don't say nothing and lie like shit. Oh well its worked enough times before. Holy shit, if this ever comes out . . . . . .

Virginia Tech Shootings

There was a real old party atmosphere in the Oval office today with the news coming in over the wire about the Virginia shootings. Obviously its always nice to have something to take peoples minds off Iraq for a few weeks and of course we all love to see a little bit of blood spilled but most of all it's just so nice to get the opportunity to look Presidential. I made a statement at 4.00pm and was absolutely delighted with the way it went. I have been practicing my "Somber" look on a daily basis recently and felt that all my hard work is truly begining to pay off. Indeed I actually managed to get through the whole statement without smirking once! Afterwards Laura and Condi both said I looked fabulous and statesmanly.
Karl (Rove) was even more excited about the whole thing than I was and said my ratings should definitely get a 4 or 5 point boost out of this even if it only lasts for a couple of weeks. At the moment we're just trying to decide how to get the most milage out of the whole thing. Karl definitely things a trip to the campus would be a fantastic photo op and we're thinking perhaps personal messages to the victims famillies might play well. Meanwhile some of the boys in the backroom think this might be a great moment to start the war with Iran or maybe give a pre-emptive pardon to my old pal Wolfavits who of course has been having a bit of a hard time lately. Dick and Karl want me to save my pardons for them in case this whole Plume afair isn't over yet.
The only downside to the whole thing is of course it gives all these anti gun nuts a chance to shoot there dumb mouths off about how folks shouldn't have access to high tech weaponry and that whole line of bullshit, still overall definitely a good hair day. 8/10

Why do they still like me?

Immediately after 9/11 in the wave of blind patriotism which naturally followed (and before folks got wind of the fact that I might actually have been responsible for it) my approval ratings peaked at about 92%. From that time onwards they steadily decreased until, finally about a year ago they leveled out at around 30-40% depending on which opinion pollster you happen to believe. My ratings have remained there or thereabouts ever since. This confused me. It wasn't as if I suddenly started being a better president or anything. So why didn't the ratings continue to go down. Over time I have come to the conclusion that these people would still support me if the Lord Jesus Christ came back to earth and I raped him live on television out on the whitehouse lawn. Yet still I asked myself the question, "can these people really be dumb enough to still think I'm a good president." then I discovered THIS video "What the hell does that have to do with anything." you may well be asking. Well the answer is, not a lot. But the comments left about it on YouTube are highly enlightening. Ignore the ones by people who say they believe the thing. Those people may be foolish, but that kind of retard acid head flower child doesn't vote. It's the people who who felt the need to argue with them that are the true morons. Supposedly rational human beings not only too stupid to understand a joke, but so outraged as to be moved into penning earnest rebukes exposing the "fraud" and pointing out the "holes" in the story. In a flash it is suddenly clear to me. Yes folks, people really are THAT stupid.

Moqtada's Call To Arms Falls On Deaf Ears

An attempt by radical shiite cleric the Moqtada Al Sadr to organize a mass protest against what he calls the American "invaders" today backfired when less than a couple of dozen iraqi's bothered to show up. When interviewed, Abdul Ahmed, 33, one of the few who was there said
"I came by mistake, I got mixed up with carnival day, we like the Americans." Another said "Before the Americans came here it was boring, nothing much ever happened, now every day brings fresh excitement, we want them to stay." A spokesman for the Moqtada Al Sadr said
"He is too embarrassed to comment, we believe he has gone into hiding 'till this thing blows over."
Note: The above picture appears to show more people than were actually there. This is due to unusual lighting effects.

Senator John McCain on Iraq

"Iraqi army and police casualties have increased because they are fighting more . . . . . welcome developments"
Washington Post Sunday April 8

A most worthy successor I feel.

So Good To Be A Failure Again

In addition to keeping this PERSONAL blog I do of course have my bio on the official White House blog over at http://www.whitehouse.gov/president/biography.html Back in October 2003 a fellow called George Johnston had the bright idea of linking to it using the phrase "miserable failure" and encouraging others to do the same. Pretty soon we had the number one google ranking for that phrase and it wasn't long before we got to be number one for the word "failure" as well.

Those were happy days for me. It was the first time in my life I had ever achieved something all on my own without any help whatsoever from daddy. It felt so good to finally be recognized as somebody special in my own right. There I was, the worlds biggest failure, sitting in the big chair at the White House making all the other failures in the world look insignificant and pathetic. It made me feel like SOMEBODY.

Then In January this year Google went and ruined all the fun. They said I didn't deserve to be up there and it was just a "google bomb" and they went and changed their algorithm so I got deprived of my natural place at the top of the failure list.

Let me tell you folks that hurt. Yes it did. People talk about all these silly injuries in Iraq. Just try getting shafted by google like that. That'll teach you about REAL pain. The day it happened I collapsed to the floor in a pathetic heap and screamed for Barbra for over an hour. Since then I have moped around the house, without hope, without the will to live. Then all of a sudden a couple of days ago I get this brainwave, a stroke of genius. What say we put the word "failure" on the front page of the Whitehouse site. Then Google won't be able to say those links are irrelevent any more.

So that's what we did and Voila, I'm right back at the top of the ratings again. Yee Haw.

The Sexiest Politician

Got a call from my old buddy Osama just to say hello and talk about old times, and before long we were on to our usual debate over who is a bigger hit with the "babes". This time I've decided to settle the matter once and for all, and show Karl Rove and those other creeps a thing or two in the proccess by asking you the people to decide. . . . . . . . . papertrail? Yeah right.Gimme a break

Who would you most like to have sex with
	George W Bush
	Osama Bin Laden
	Dick Cheney
	Karl Rove
	Rudolph Guiliani
	John McCain
	Mitt Romney
	John Edwards
	Barak Obama
	Bill Clinton
	Al Gore
	Hilary Clinton
	Barbra Bush
	Condoleeza Rice
	Nancy Pelosi
	I'd Rather Be Violated With A Rusty Screwdriver
pollcode.com free polls

Bad day at the office.

Another one of those down days I'm afraid. I got the news yesterday afternoon that the Iranians were about to release the British sailors and imediately started to fall into one of my depressions. I am so, so ready to start the next war and this was just SUCH a good moment. Goddam those military comanders for saying we needed to get more troops over there first. I cried for a whole hour last night while Laura, god bless her heart, held me and said "dont worry my little Georgikins you've still got your other war" over and over again. By the end of it I felt a whole lot better. Mom and Dad phoned up with their condolences and said I just had to be patient.

A Ploop Diagram

Inspired by Ploop I am revisiting my previous post "The fanatical five percent" to cater for those of you who are more visually oriented.

My advice for the next president

I was recently asked what advice I would give to a future president to help him avoid making the same mistakes as me. After much consideration I have come up with a short list.

1. Always have a plan A. (lack of one of these is was the only thing marring our successful campaign in Iraq).

2. Hire an intelligent double for all public speaking engagements so you don't get caught saying something really stupid.

3. Buy a map, and learn the names of a few countries.

4. Try not to smirk, grin, or make jokes about wars, especially when you started them (which as a U.S. president will invariably be the case).

5. Should there be an earthquake, volcano or god forbid ,a hurricane, anywhere in the United States during your time in office try to make it look as if you care about it.

The Fanatical Five Percent

While my approval ratings are now down to about 30% according to Zogby the number of people who STRONGLY disapprove of me is still hovering around 46%. Meanwhile the number of folks out there who now believe my administration had some part in organizing the 9/11 is now up to the magic 51% threshold. This means that a staggering 5% of the American public believe we were involved in orchestration of these attacks but DO NOT strongly disapprove. Now since it is very difficult to imagine people MILDLY disapproving of a thing like that, I can only only assume that these good people are actually whole heartedly behind us. "Yeah, they probably did it, but it was necessary for the greater good of America" they might reason perhaps. Love you folks. America just wouldn't be the same without you