Thursday, 29 March 2007

Guantanamo Bay - the solution.

Yesterday while searching for new and unusual animals to torture in my spare time, which as you all know is one of my favorite hobbies, I stumbled into a local pet shop. While in there I became transfixed by a Rhinoceros Iguana who was sharing a very cramped little tank with his lunch, which was a giant grasshopper. The grasshoppers natural instinct was obviously to run away, but this tank was only just about 6 inches longer than the lizard itself, so the grasshopper could never get very far. If the he had thought about it the grasshopper could have tried to stay at the tail end of the tank, but apparently their brains are only very slightly bigger than mine, so this was not an option



So this desperate little grasshopper just kept scampering frantically about the cage while the iguana, who couldn't have been very hungry eyeballed it in a semi interested sort of a way. Eventually he scooped the grass hopper up with his tongue and - heres the good bit - he chewed off ONE leg and let the unhappy grasshopper scuttle off again. Now in a natural setting you would think the lizard would eat the whole meal at once, the grasshopper could still move fairly quickly even with the leg missing and you wouldn't want to have your dinner do a runner before you'd got to the main course now would you. But in that little tank he knew the grasshopper wasn't going anywhere so he just left the rest for later.

Now over at Guantanamo we've got these guys who've been in jail, what 5 or 6 years now and we still can't find any evidence that they've committed any crime, which would be kind of embarrassing if it wasn't so funny. We've tortured them and tortured them and tortured them and they just won't "fess up" to any sort of a crime. Now maybe they are all innocent, but you'd think after all this time they would have had the creativity to think up something to confess to. It's begining to piss me off. What we need to do is stimulate their imaginations.

So what I'm thinking is we get one of these guys and put him in a cell with a polar bear. Not a hungry polar bear you understand, but one who's just eaten a couple of seals or something. Then we take it from there. Surely by the time the bear's eaten an arm or two the guys should have come up with something. What do you reckon folks. Do you think this could work?

Tony Blair's favorite bar.

Today I received an email from another one of my friends "Evil Tony" over in london

"Dear George,
I have discovered this wonderful new bar. The temperature is kept at a constant -5 degrees and everything including the glasses is made of ice. I simply have to take you there next time you pop over for a visit.
Your humble servant and willing co-conspirator. Your favorite little fluffy bunny poodle.

Tonykins.




Wow. The perfect place for my cold heart. Love it.

Wednesday, 28 March 2007

My mysterious assistant.

At some point during your perusal of the last post the thought might well have popped into your head "wait a minute, surely George Bush doesn't have any friends". Well there's Dick and Karl for starters, then there's the Bin Laden familly with whom we've always been very close. There's all my old buddies in the oil industry and of course the many close associates and campaign contributors who have been rewarded with large "reconstruction contracts" in Iraq to name but a few. So you see you're quite wrong about that one.

Of course, if you mean people who actually like me personally and would want to spend enough time with me to transcribe the blog for me then O.K. you've got a fair point, but I've got dozens of paid minions for that sort of thing, so don't worry yourself, the blog will get written.

How the hell do I write this stuff.

At some point during your perusasal of this blog the thought may well have popped into your head "Wait a minute, surely George Bush doesn't know how to write." As a matter of fact I already knows the whole alphabet and I am practicing my letters as I speak so one of these days I'm going to shove those thoughts right down your neck. In the meantime I get by with the help of a friend who puts my words into writing as I dictate, rest assured everything is in my own words.

Sunday, 25 March 2007

Can Al Gore Be Trusted?

Is Al Gore a hypocrite? Yes. An opportunist? Absolutely. Of course he is. We all are. Our political system is rigged up in such a way that it would be absolutely impossible to rise to the top if you were not. Al Gore was vice president for 8 years during which time he did absolutely Nada for the environment, Jack shit , zilch.

But does that, or the fact that he owns shares in this zinc mine or that petrolium company, invalidate the work he has done since? Does it invalidate the message? Al Gore, the man, does not matter. That which lies deep down within the confines of his soul is of no consequence. Let him sort that out with his god when he dies. A hundred years from now nobody's going to care if Albert Gore was a good man. Eventually it is only the actions of a politician that are of meaning, and right now Al Gore is spreading the truth about the greatest threat our planet has ever known.

Personally I believe that Al Gore is essentially a good man, but a weak man a selfish man and a vain man. Like many liberal politicians he became involved in politics for many of the right reasons, but then as it always does the ego and the thirst for power took over. At every junction on the jagged pathway to the top he took the wrong option the easy option, the sell out option, all the while deceiving himself that it was all for the greater good, if he could only get just a little bit more power that he could redeem himself, atone for his sins.

Had he beaten me in the 2000 election (well he did, but you know what I mean) if he had become president at that time he may perhaps have continued along this spineless path, probably doing the odd piece of good here and there, but generally ducking and dodging the spears and arrows of his own conscience as he strove to consolidate and enhance his own power, in all likely hood improving just a little in the dead duck days of his second presidency ( if he had lasted that long) and would have spent the rest of his days wrestling with the inner demons which told him that he could have done so much more.

But when he lost that election (well he didn’t really, but you know what I mean) a mightily powerful thing happened to Al Gore. In the days and months that followed he came to a terrible realisation. If he had followed his heart, if he had done and said just a little more of what he believed and a little less of what he judged to be politically expedient at the time then a whole lot of those people who went with Ralph Nader and the Green party might have ended up voting for him and all those hanging chads in Florida wouldn’t have mattered.

When I look at Al Gore I see a man who’s had a life changing experience. A man who’s sold his soul to the Devil and got jipped, short changed, geshwisled. It isn’t easy to look at yourself in the mirror and know that if only you had been a better man you would have gotten what you wanted all along. I see a man who’s cursed himself a thousand times and sworn a thousand oaths that he won’t sell out what’s in his heart again. And that is why I believe he would make a good president. Al Gore is a snake, con man and a phoney. Of coarse he is, we all are. But having once paid the price for silencing those inner screams of truth I genuinely believe he is just a little less likely than all those other bleating liberals to do it again.

Saturday, 24 March 2007

First they came for Scooter. . . . .

How this new bunch of clowns made it into congress is beyond me. I was given repeated assurance that we had fixed the election even better the last few and we couldn't lose unless we got less than two percent of the vote. Surely I can't be that unpopular, I mean the inbreds and the mormons make up more than that and i KNOW they all voted for me.

Anyhow this new bunch are really beginning to get to me. First they went after Scooter, who I wasn't really too bothered about being as he's just staff, but now they're coming after Karl. I don't actually like Karl, he's a nasty smelly man, but, I mean Dick Cheney's beginning to go senile Pop's about on his way out, Jesus, who's going to do all my thinking for me when Karl goes?

I told the congress they could speak to my staff as much as they pleased provided no body had to swear under oath and they didn't take any notes on what was said. They came back with some bullshit about why don't they want to go under oath if they don't have anything to hide. I mean how stupid is that? Of course they've got something to fucking hide, if they didn't have anything to hide we wouldn't want to stop them taking notes would we for christs sake, dorr. . . . Idiots.

Friday, 23 March 2007

A pleasant surprise

Great news on the War Funding bill. I found out from Karl Rove I can do something called veto it and the war doesn't have to end anyway. I don't quite understand how it works but it makes me very happy to know we don't have to stop killing folks. Karl said I did it once before when we wanted to make sure nobody used cell stems to save people dying from parkinsons and alzheimers disieses by I don't have any memory of that. Its got something to do with two thirds which is between a quarter and a half or something like that. I dont' understand all this fancy math stuff about it I let Karl and Dick worry about that sort of stuff, but I'm very happy to tell you folks that this war ain't gonna end just yet.

The Last Days of Glory

I cried last night. Great gushing streams of tears came pouring out of me. Today shall be a sad day for me and a sad day for America. By the the time night falls congress will have voted on a measure which shall probably signal the begining of the end of the war. All my dreams of an endless war of attrition, continuing in perpetuity in remembrance of me could be shattered. A year on a half from now the last American soldier may have to return to the motherland the violence may draw to a close.

Still, looking on the bright side, we've got an extra $122 billion to spend killing folks and that can buy you an awful lot of bloodshed. Plus the countries so messed up and divided now, the civil war might still drag on for a good few years even without us.

Most importantly for the long term the gushing rivers of blood we have spilt on this pointless war shall live on in the memory long after it is over. Combined with the memories of sexual abuse and torture in Abu Ghraib, kidnapped innocents in Guantanamo and pissed on Korans it should hopefully sow the seeds of radical fundamentalism liberally throughout the isamic world which will ultimately lead to future justification for invading places and taking their oil. The circle of death shall not be broken. . . . . My legacy shall not be in vain!!!!!

There, I feel more cheerful already.